Dennis Postiglione
Rebuilding from the Rubble of Moral Failure
A person’s life can instantly fracture due to betrayal, addiction, dishonesty, rage, cowardice, or self-destruction. We all make mistakes and accumulate regrets over time. That is part of being human. Some decisions, however, are life-altering and well beyond the scope of a simple mistake. Few people throw a hand grenade into their own lives, but the ones who do face significant obstacles between themselves and redemption. While no person is immune to failure on this scale, most people’s failures occur within socially acceptable boundaries. When those boundary lines are completely shattered, rebuilding a life within the chaos that follows can be extremely difficult.
People lose marriages, friendships, reputation, trust, and their sense of identity. When a person betrays those close to him in addition to himself, putting those pieces back together is especially challenging. Friends are lost, family becomes distant, and judgment is quick, harsh, and deafening. Eventually, the loudest criticism comes from a voice echoing inside a hurt and confused brain. What matters next is whether a person chooses to turn that collapse into avoidance and self-pity or into true accountability and reconstruction. Rebuilding integrity after violating one’s own deeply held values starts with accepting that integrity is neither proven nor solidified by never failing. It is proven by what a person does after failure becomes undeniable. It is proven by true acceptance of fault and the consequences of that failure.
Franz Kafka once said, “The meaning of life is that it stops.” As Christians, we are taught that life is the soul’s temporary layover in an imperfect vessel called the body. Depending on how that temporary vessel is utilized, the final destination of that soul is either a soft place to land or a hot place to burn . . . forever. The inevitability of either one of those outcomes can weigh heavily upon a person faced with confronting a massive personal failure or collapse. Fortunately, the best thing about hitting rock bottom is that rock bottom serves as a firm foundation upon which to rebuild. Unfortunately, it is a lot easier for a person to rescue someone else than it is to rescue himself.
Regaining integrity does not begin with self-forgiveness. It is earned with brutal honesty. In a world that provides constant distractions in the form of 260-character text messages, 30-second, dopamine-inducing clips, and reality television, it is more possible than at any time in human history to ignore deeply held values and, ultimately, refuse to own a violation of them or heal after significant moral failures. Guilt and shame are very uncomfortable emotions. Scrolling on Instagram or binge-watching YouTube are, unfortunately, very effective ways of avoiding them.
To truly heal, a person must work to separate the guilt and shame of his failure from his true identity. Even the most egregious failure must be addressed with brutal honesty and deliberate self-examination rather than justification and denial. Doing this will lead to the realization that a violation of a person’s deeply held values does not somehow reduce him to nothing but that violation. Guilt and shame should not be ignored, repressed, or dismissed. The presence of those emotions is direct evidence of a conscience and needs to be experienced in order to be processed into true growth. Indifference is the enemy of growth, not guilt or shame. Learning to recognize and embrace the discomfort created by poor choices is the first brick on the path to emerging from the rubble created by those choices.
Conversely, if a person marries himself to the worst thing he has done, he will fail to progress because he will come to believe that redemption is undeserved. He will come to accept that somehow internal and external hatred and isolation should continue into perpetuity. However, true accountability is much different than permanent self-condemnation and flagellation. Eventually, the hairshirt needs to be consciously removed. Endless self-hatred keeps a constant focus on what went wrong and suffocates any hope of repair. The judgment from others is an inevitable consequence of a moral failure. Many people revel in the failures of others because it validates and distracts from their own failings. It is easy to judge another person. What is most difficult is for a person to pass an honest judgment on himself and to act intentionally to fix what went wrong.
Viktor Frankl wrote, “[w]hat is to give light must endure burning.” The past may not be repairable. In fact, it usually isn’t. Some people may never return. They often don’t. A marriage may end. Friends may remain gone. Forgiveness may never be given. However, integrity after failure means accepting consequences without demanding redemption or validation. True accountability is realizing that choosing a behavior means also choosing its consequences. Those consequences must be accepted without being watered down.
As humans, we are not meant to exist in isolation. When a person’s life collapses through his poor choices, wanting forgiveness before trust is rebuilt, reconciliation before consistency is demonstrated, or relief before restitution is natural. Wanting the world to simply stop long enough to get grounded is as well. Unfortunately, reality does not operate on this schedule. The lawn must still get mowed, laundry washed, bills paid, and work obligations met. A person must humbly accept that the world does not revolve around his wants. Moving forward is a choice. So is stagnation.
To heal, a person must acknowledge that trust is rebuilt slowly. It is telling the truth when lying would undoubtedly be more convenient, keeping promises no one checks, accepting the anger of the people who have been wronged without defensiveness, becoming accountable without needing recognition, and living differently long before anyone realizes it.
One of the great ironies of betraying the trust of those close to a person is that he may never be believed again, no matter how truthful he is. Trust in oneself begins with brutal honesty with oneself, not by trying to convince others of one’s veracity. The truth does not change just because someone refuses to believe it. Peace comes with unadulterated self-honesty first.
It is important to realize that a person simply does not miraculously “find himself again.” Rather, consciously engaging in repeated, honorable behavior will slowly reconstruct self-respect. Adhering, rigidly at first, to structure will rebuild and reaffirm identity. Self-discipline will rebuild trustworthiness, and consistency will repair internal separation. Aligning conscience with values must occur internally before healing externally with others.
With this self-reflective framework, only then can a person make amends where it is possible to do so, stop hating himself for his failure, tolerate guilt and shame to the point of their eventual elimination, truly own his behavior, and regain his identity.
Perhaps the most difficult truth to accept is that rebuilding one’s life after a catastrophic failure means not getting the old life back. That ship has, in a word, sailed. Healing requires true self-awareness. Moving forward means becoming someone who would never create that destruction again, even in the face of permanent loss.
A person who stops lying to himself can finally begin rebuilding his life after a significant moral failure. The goal is not to become the man he was before the failure. The goal is to become a man who tells the truth about who he was, accepts the hurt he caused, and chooses to move forward by being true once again to the very values he violated. That is integrity.
BIO: Dennis Postiglione is the owner and managing member of Postiglione Law, PLLC in Boerne. A civil litigation attorney with more than 23 years of experience, he earned his undergraduate degree from the University of Texas and graduated near the top of his class from South Texas College of Law. He enjoys exploring the Texas Hill Country with his wife and three children.
Dennis Postiglione’s essay on rebuilding integrity is the latest in The Kendall Gentleman’s BetterMENt series. Read Before It Becomes a Memory for a younger man’s perspective on time and character, Stronger Together on pain and the quiet strength of interdependence, and The Importance of Dialogue on how honest conversation shapes who we are.
