By Dale Adams
One stereotype of men is that we don’t talk much. While that is a major overgeneralization, we do sometimes focus more on doing rather than connecting. And when we do connect, conversation may not be as prominent as when women interact. I think this comes from our goal focus and hunting drive. If the conversation doesn’t help to achieve our goal, what’s the point? And on the hunt, extraneous talk can be distracting and alert the prey. In addition, many studies have shown that men talk considerably less than women. Having said that, communication is important in two of my other strong drives: understanding the world and improving my family and community. Both endeavors require connecting effectively with others. And I have found that having deep conversations on topics of importance to me is rewarding and helps me understand other people.
My role as a member of my family and community means I influence how we interact. Whether I intend it or not, my behavior is an example of how I think our society should function. That’s a big responsibility. If I believe our leaders should talk things out, I should talk things out. If I believe others should seek to understand my perspective, I should seek to understand theirs. It’s not just an issue of hypocrisy; how I connect with others is how our community connects. Our leaders get the hint and connect in a similar fashion. Imagining what I believe to be a healthy model of community interaction then becomes my own aspirational communication habits.
Aspects that I desire in my community are: civility, a desire to understand each other, the freedom to express opinions, an acknowledgement that all have valid concerns, a willingness to compromise, a minimization of the drive to be “the victor” in a discussion, and a touch of forgiveness for each other.
So how do I consistently interact in ways that I want our community to emulate?
Civility might be the easiest habit to take on: resist denigrating others and be courteous. We are all taught this, and Kendall County is a pretty civil place. Acknowledging its importance helps newcomers fit in and our children adopt civility as their own habit.
A desire to understand each other can be challenging when we really want to get our point across. It helps to remember that our point can be heard a lot better when it is framed around something the listener considers important. And we can only do that framing if we understand those priorities. A technique I use is to listen for their values. Consider a conversation about gun control where I have figured out that they value female empowerment and safety, but are not that interested in the minutiae of constitutional rights. I will focus on my belief (and I actually do believe this) that all women should train in the use of firearms and carry one regularly. I may not convince them about the importance of constitutional restraints, but on that particular issue, we can have a discussion that includes both our values. Ron Cisneros and I started a radio show, Cease Fire, specifically to help our community understand various governmental processes and the multiple sides of important issues.
Being willing to express our opinions can be a vulnerable place to be. It may not be taken well or even be understood as we intend. If this is a challenge, as it is for me, I highly recommend Toastmasters. A Toastmasters club is a perfect place to practice speaking in general because they provide feedback that is focused on effective delivery rather than content.
Acknowledging other people’s concerns is frequently seen as removing the focus from ours. While true, that may be a good thing. Focusing exclusively on our own concerns blinds us to other issues that, if we thought about them, could also become our concerns. One way I acknowledge a person’s concerns, and clarify them for me, is to paraphrase them back during the conversation. This actually serves two goals, I gain a better understanding of their values, and they feel that I understand and respect their opinion.
A willingness to compromise is most difficult when we feel our values are not being upheld. But frequently, if we look, we can find common values that can be upheld. Thomas Sowell once said that “there are no solutions, only tradeoffs”. His point was that every decision or action involves giving up something to gain something we value more. We work so we can have money, we study so we can pass a test, we cook so we can eat. Once we realize that compromises are everywhere, it is easier to approach a discussion thinking “what is the most important issue for me” and maybe give a little on something that is of utmost importance to the other party. There is a new group, the Boerne Civic Roundtable, that specifically seeks to bring all sides of issues together to discuss, find common ground, and reach acceptable solutions.
Everyone wants to “win,” and sometimes we let that get in the way of success. A winner requires a loser, and the losing side is naturally hesitant to engage again, particularly in a spirit of understanding and compromise. Ways to avoid this include conceding something once you achieve your goal, seeking a gain for the other party, and, of course, refraining from gloating.
Finally, we are all flawed and don’t always behave in ways that we would like to. It is important to recognize that, and give a little forgiveness to others. When someone says something that makes no sense to you, let them rephrase it or approach the issue from a different angle. The goal should be to try to understand them, and sometimes it takes a few tries. I know I have made statements that, upon reflection, did not convey the point I wanted to make.
All this starts with just being there. In the conversation, at the event, engaging others. Everyone contributes to our culture, and building a community culture that we can be proud of is the responsibility of all. Let us join in the dialogue with intention and purpose.
More from the BetterMENt column: Dialogue is the practice that gives weight to The Power of Our Word. For why this conversation matters most among men, read Stepping Up to Better MENtal Health.
